Bathroom Breaks and Creatures of the Night

Before signing up to be a parent, I knew that there were going to be some interesting stories and situations that should arise due to having children.  Growing up I tortured my siblings at times and them me.  My parents have an endless array of stories of when I was young and mercilessly taunted and teased them and just in general did things that made no sense to the adult mind.

Listening to my parents tell stories of my siblings and I from when we were younger, it makes me think of the great stories I will have to tell when my kids are adults.  To share with possible future spouses, or just to bring up good memories around the dinner table with them.

This is one of those stories...

My son, since day one, has always been a character.  He is so sweet and sensitive, but sometimes just does the most random things, particularly during the middle of the night.  Since he was little, he has had night terrors and frequent bad dreams.  He actually still frequently sleeps in my bed when he is scared.

The other day was no exception to this.  It was probably about midnight when Ashton woke me up because he said he had to go to the bathroom.  While normally he doesn't wake me up for something as minor as a midnight bathroom break, he indicated he was scared and requested that I accompany him to the door of the bathroom (for those who don't know me personally, the bathroom is literally across the hallway from the bedroom).  So I got up, walked him the 4 or 5 footsteps to the bathroom, and opened the door for him.  I then asked if he needed me to wait for him and he said no, he was good do go.  So I returned to bed and went back to sleep.

The next sound I hear is one of tortured desperation pleading for me to return to the bathroom.  The fear was thick in his voice as he tearfully begged for me to return to my post in the hallway.  Since I had already made myself comfortable in bed, I hollered across the hallway asking what he needed.  He said that there was a spider the size of his big toe and he couldn't make it back to bed.  I told him to jump over it to the bedroom.  Much to my dismay, his insistence that I help him only increased.  So I got up and walked over to the bathroom and looked up to see one of the funniest sights I have seen in awhile.

My eight year old son, who had chosen to wear footie pajamas to bed that night, was standing on top of the toilet, hunching his body in on itself as though he was terrified for his life.  It reminded me of those ladies you see on television standing on a chair, just scared as can be, because of a mouse running around on the ground.  His legs were squeezed together with his arms holding himself. 

I immediately looked on the floor of the bathroom to see this mega spider that threatened my sons well-being.  Surprisingly, I couldn't find it.  My son points down at my foot and there it is.... The spider of all spiders.  Glaring up at me with it's eight ugly eyes. 

The spider was located in the hallway.  At least three full footsteps from the toilet where my son quivered in fear of a nickel (possibly even dime sized) creature.  I quickly grabbed a shoe from the hallways closet and swiftly dealt justice to the beast that would threaten my son's toes (toes that were covered with pj footies).

Ashton insisted I carried him back to bed in case there were more soldiers awaiting him in the hallway.  So I picked up my 65 lb. son, red faced and teary eyed, and put him back into my bed.

He slept with one eye open the rest of the night.

The Ham on the Vending Machine

One day, quite some time ago, while I was still in high school in fact, I was standing in front of the vending machines with two friends, Laura and Stefanie.  We were perusing the wide selection of chocolate covered corn syrup confections when a boy suddenly burst from the cafeteria, slapped an oval shaped piece of sandwich ham (not to be confused with spiral ham or ham steak ham) on the vending machine and ran off.

The ham stuck.

I laughed uncontrollably.  I laughed so hard that I thought I may pee myself.  And then the ham slowly peeled off the machine, as if in slow motion, and fell onto the ground.

This naturally caused me to continue to laugh hysterically.  I had to sit down because I was laughing so hard.

I'm not sure why I found the ham being slapped onto a vending machine quite so funny.  Laura and Stefanie really didn't think it was nearly as funny as I did.

Olan Rogers tells stories that are pretty amusing.  He is the Master Commander.  And unlike the ham on the vending machine, his story is actually pretty hilarious. 

Check it out.

No Shirt, No Shoes...

Have any of you readers (the one or two that tune in regularly) ever been to summer camp?  As a child, there were several summers that I went to a camp with the youth group from my church.  I absolutely loved summer camp at Camp Wooten.  We would spend a whole week in cabins, away from home, with a group of people who really knew how to have a good time.  I remember we would go on hikes, there was rafting, play competitive games, etc.  (For those of you who actually know me, I know this sounds completely backwards as I shun the outdoors now, but at one time, I really enjoyed them.  I know, crazy how that works out huh?!?)

Today I decided to tell a story that may or may not cause my ears to turn a bright red from embarrassment and/or shame. I seriously have enough of these embarrassing stories to literally fill a room in the Department of Mysteries at the Ministry of Magic.  It's sort of hard to believe how awkward and gawky I am sometimes.  Unfortunately, every word of this story is true.  As you've probably guessed by the little intro above, this embarrassing story comes from my summer camp days.

 

This particular incident happened when I was probably 11, maybe 12.  I had been at Camp Wooten for maybe a few days.  Normally at camp, we all would be assigned different activities based on our cabin number.  We would stick to our cabins with the cabin head so that all the kids at camp got to enjoy all of the activities available at the camp.

My cabin had just returned from either swimming or rafting, I can't exactly remember which (give me a break, it was over 10 years ago).  Regardless of which activity we really had come from, we all needed to change into clean clothes before we headed to the chapel.

The chapel was where the whole camp gathered to do basically our youth group meetings.  This was, as I said, an activity that the whole ENTIRE camp attended together, no stragglers.

As we were changing in our cabin, we were chit chatting about whatever pre-pubescent girls talk about, I don't know, maybe barbie dolls or how our tomagachi's were doing.  That sort of thing.

On a side note, for those who don't know what a tomagachi was, it was a key chain sized digital pet.  As the tomogachi owner, you were responsible for feeding this little digital blob, playing with it, and cleaning up it's electronic fecal matter.  If you didn't, feed it, or play with the little creature, it died.  If you did play/feed/clean up fecal matter, the little blob grew into a bigger blob that had appendages.  After awhile, even with good care, the tomgatchi died, and then you got to start the whole process over again.  It was all the rage back in the day.  In fact, I think they are bringing them back, sort of like the Furby is all popular again now.  They even started an anime television show based on them in 2009 I believe.

Anyways, back to the story, we were all getting ready.  After I was all set, I tied my shoes, grabbed my Bible and journal, and I told the gals I would see them there. 

The way the camp was set up, the chapel was on the opposite side of the camp from the cabins.  The cabins were set in the woods area and then the chapel was across the way.  To get the chapel from the cabins, you had to walk across an open field that also housed the bathrooms, and the mess hall.  The open field to the chapel was probably a football field or two long.  It was pretty expansive. 

So there I was going on my merry way to the chapel, probably thinking about all the electronic fecal matter I was going to have to clean up from that damn tomigatchi when I got back from chapel, when the breeze picked up a little.  I realized, brrr, I was a little chilly and thought to myself, "I wish I had worn pants".  If only at that moment I realized how true that sentiment was.

***I stopped in my tracks and looked down in pure awww and horror***

I had forgotten to put on my bottoms!  I immediately spun around and ran as fast as my legs could carry me to my cabin.  I don't think I have ever run as fast as I did that day.  Lucky for me, I suppose, there was no one there when I arrived back at the cabin from my walk/jog of shame. 

Quickly, I pulled on a pair of athletic shorts and then dashed to the chapel to join the rest of the group. 

No one at camp ever mentioned this incident.  To this day, I don't even know if anyone at camp even noticed my running across the open field with nothing but a t-shirt, tennis shoes, underwear, and my Bible. 

Looking back, I wonder how the hell did I forget my pants?  I mean, didn't I notice when I was tying my tennis shoes that I was missing something?  And how is it that no one thought to mention to me as I left that I was forgetting one of the most important things that I needed for chapel.

I suppose they figured I knew, or maybe they thought I had all I needed.  How does that saying go... "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service."